My feelings are a big mess

I saw it's been a while since I wrote here. It's mostly because I've been trying to process stuff... Things, thoughts, feelings, family... I think I've managed to sort some things out but a lot of the bad things still remain in my mind.

There's something I have been wanting to tell someone but have been afraid of what people might say, but it has come to a point where I really need to put this off my chest and I hope that whoever reads this wont judge me too hard.

I have a boyfriend since many years back and we live together. But the thing is that I have a friend since junior high whom I think I've always had been having a crush on. I'm not sure if my friend even realize that I have feelings for him. Junior high has been what... 10 years ago almost? Is it still a crush if it's been that long? I don't think I love my friend. We flirt, we have fun but I don't think it's love. However, I love my boyfriend and I don't want to hurt him in any way. I know I can't have both cakes, in a perfect world I would. Maybe I have an imaginary picture of my friend. But lately I've realized that the features my boyfriend has are very similar to my friend. They like the same kind of sports, they're both very intelligent, they have similar smiles. This made me feel a little bit uneasy after I've realized that. Did I choose someone similar to my friend in order to have the feeling that I'm with him?

Me and my friend can never be, that's as much as I've realised since junior high. We live on different continents now and I'm not even sure if he's still the same charming guy as I've remembered him to be. I just don't know... it's so difficult.

Love,

Paeonia

Independency, is that too much to ask for?

I don't know about your lives, but mine is full of cynical people that believes just whatever they want. I get so mad at people telling lies all the time, they don't even know half of the truth. I've always been the leader within a social group, but why should people lie their lives in my hands just based of that? Why can't people just make their own decisions based on their own needs? Stop plaining about how I act and am, continue on with your lives! I don't care! Ignore my decisions! They are only for me and not for you to care! But obviously people aren't that independent as they think.

I'm pretty down right now, I always am whenever I come here and write. Sometimes I wonder if it's not eaiser for me to just dissappear from people's lives. How would they be if I've never existed in their lives. I do wonder. I wish people wouln't depend on me too much. Especially if they depend on me to make them happy. Do you ever face the same problems as me? Do let me know, it might keep me sane for some time more...

Love,

Paeonia

12th February 2010 - Disturbing Thursday Night

Cyberspace...

Today a certain someone got me on my nerves. I don't know what's her problem is, trying to make people feel sorry for her and pity her and give her that kind of attention. I mean, is she 13 or what?! I get mad for not being able to tell her off and not actually care if I hurt her or not. But I do, even though I really really dislike her I can't tell her off. It makes me so angry. Today, she broke her earphones. Smashed them on her computer and they broke. Then she started to shout and scream about how they're broken and I told her to calm down and it's not our fault it broke. But then she ended saying bitchy stuff like how egoistic we are. I mean what the hell?! Excuse my language but I almost burst. She really tests my nerves everyday. I hope she suffers for a week. I can not explain how childish she acts everyday.

Today it was just another day with her little breakouts. Complaining about everything and doing something else but the actual work and then when we take a break to watch a movie, she suddenly HAD to absolutely study. I mean come on! We've been here for almost 6 hours and she starts just as when we're having a break?! Gaaah! The comfortable thing though is that everyone knows it and everyone pretends around her. It might make me a bit evil but I'm only human. Until she actually get laid she wont become an adult I think.

Love,

Paeonia

10th February 2010 - A chilly Wednesday

Dear Cyberspace,

Why do I always feel so hollow inside when the sun has fallen? Do I associate happiness with sunlight or is it just a social standard? That the sun brings happiness and the night brings nothing but dark and foggy feelings? Always so many questions in my head that goes round and round. I think my mind is recycling the thoughts for better, or worse, moments such as this. When I actually have the time to think it through. Maybe that's why the night is so hollow. The time when we actually have the time to think.

I don't think we modern people likes to think, not like back in the days when the world was ruled by philosophers. Back in the days when people actually cared about trivial matters, but maybe they only had the trivial matters to care about. I wish we could go back to that time only for a day. It would be a good lesson, for both body and mind.

Speaking of which, I skipped my training today. There's a deadline coming up and I always feel so depressed whenever it's time for some real work. Maybe it's just me trying to avoid the real world or maybe it's the world that spins too fast for me to cope. Either way I can't seem to make it work as a consistency. I fear that one day I might shut down totally, that my hard drive is too burnt to be recovered. That I would actually go literally insane and so stupid stuff.

Insanity is one of the things I keep for myself. It's hard to tell other people how you really feel and what you really think. Especially hard if you've come to know those people. For me, it's easier to talk it open to strangers than to my near ones. Strange but I know I'm not alone about this. That is why I created this blog. A blog only for my mind and soul to be exposed, a mind where no one or very few can put a face on. A place where I can speak without being feared of.

I hope you, whoever this may be, have a wonderful day. May the prosperity and happiness come to you.

Love

Paeonia

9th February 2010 - Tuesday after midnight

Dear Cyberspace,

Here I am, sitting all alone in the dark night. The only light for my eyes are from the laptop that's not even half a year old and there is a sound from the clock telling me it's way past my bedtime. Here I am, all alone pondering about life, about what will become out of this poor soul, about where the world is heading at, about small things and about big things.

I can not help but to think, thus I am only a mere human. I can not help but to hope and to feel, something that only a mere human can do. I can not stop to do what only a mere human usually does; wondering, pondering and questioning.

The thoughts itself is not harmful, since only a thought can not take physical form to harm someone or something, but it's the thoughts that leads to actions. Would it be better for us humans to simply stop thinking? At times it might seem so, but we can not stop being something we're born to. Just as little as a wild beast can be tamed just because it's been taken cared of by humans since it was a baby. The wilderness will always remain, our actions will always remain, our mistakes will always remain the same. The history has always been repeating itself and for many decades more will it repeat. Some believe we will learn from our own mistakes, but I believe that once a mistake is forgotten it will automatically come back.

Memories will not always remain the same, memories will be what we want it to be. It's not facts that memories are based on, it's on feelings and fairy tales. We want to believe that something is good when it once is gone, because we want to see the good in everything. We were born to hope, and hope is not facts. But how can I blame us, we were created like this. Weather one believes in God or in science, in Adam or in Homo Sapiens, time created us this way. The more hopeless a situation is, the more will we hope and wish. But hopes and wishes is what have brought us here, good things and bad things...

I just wish that our minds can turn off sometimes. Wouldn't it be such a bliss to just not think? To have a quite mind for just a minute? I wish we can achieve it someday.

Love Paeonia

First test

Just testing....